I'm currently curled up in your bed, without you, trying desperately to sleep and failing hard. Apparently I can fall asleep on the sofa in my office easily but it's different at night. It's lonelier. The bed is starting to smell less and less like you. I didn't start writing this with the intention of dumping on you, because I know that you're not happy right now either, but it's what is on my mind. You know how I can ramble when I'm tired and I'm always so tired lately. I suppose that's to be expected, all things considering, and I'd rather be tired than puking but it's still obnoxious.

It's still crazy to me, all of this. A lot of it is, well... I didn't see this kind of future for myself. What, with how my luck had been and how many people drummed it into my head that I was too closed off and I'd begun to accept that's how it would always be but somehow you slipped right past those walls as if they didn't even exist. I've known you for less than a year and yet I can't imagine my life without you now. Hopefully, I never have to... Hopefully we never have to...

You know, I've always loved kids. Like any teenager, I baby sat for pocket money. I spent time around my cousins and as I got older, their children. I confess to wanting to be a mom, wanting to receive that love a child only gives to their parents but when I considered it, it was as an abstract. Something that would happen down the road. I thought I would work a few more years. Travel, maybe write a book. And then become a mom. I didn't know how I'd do it, but I had time to figure it out. Maybe marriage. Maybe artificial insemination. Maybe adoption, give a child a second chance. Never did I imagine this. I was terrified when I first got the confirmation. Could have knocked me over with a feather and the doctor actually made me sit down and got me a glass of water. I guess I just looked that bad. I don't say that to worry you or guilt you, just to be honest. Who does assume this is how life would work out for them?

But know this, I meant it when I said I'm happy.

It took me some time but I've processed now and moved past the shock and even beyond mere acceptance. I've begun to embrace this. Yes, it could end up being a train wreck. I mean, I love you with all my heart but we don't really know each other all that well. We certainly have a lot to learn still. And we don't know what this stress, because there will be stress, will do to either of us but I'm hopeful that we'll figure out how to weather through it. And after all my research, I feel confident in offering my preemptive apologies for being crazy in the upcoming months. Also, promise me that you'll make sure my shoes always match even if I can't see them. I don't want to be that woman.

I assume you'll be able to see this at some point, though I'm not entirely sure what the details are concerning your ability and time to access the internet, I have seen you around here and there. Even if it might not be for days, it comforts me to know my words will reach you still eventually.

I miss you, a ridiculous amount, and I would give anything to be lying next to you right now. But I know this isn't something you can control and it will most likely happen again at some point. I'll always be here when you come home though, waiting with open arms. I love you.

Love, Harley